impinged

by SHAWN McDONALD

Driving back from a weekend with friends in Whistler I tried putting into words the things I learned this weekend. I’m not sure I can do a great job of conveying the intimate experience I had. Coming up to Whistler I knew God was working on something for me. I knew he wanted me there even though I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I thought I was in for a self confidence lesson or maybe to be a positive influence on my friends. I was wrong.

I learned a lot about myself. God has been speaking to me about women. This weekend he was very direct in showing me I needed to change the way I viewed women. He showed me that they are the pinnacle of his creation. That the beauty and glory of God are revealed through women. A woman wants nothing more than to know she is worthy - that she is beautiful. With this revelation I couldn’t just go to the clubs and pick up on girls for my own gratification, just so they could satisfy my need to know if I have what it takes. The time I spent in the clubs I felt sad for the girls. They were there to be used. All I saw was young girls searching for validation of their beauty. And there were a million men there to offer that validation if the girl was willing to sacrifice herself… her soul.

Yesterday it started snowing hard. I was restless and desirous of some quiet time to pray. So I got bundled up and sneaked out the condo for a walk in the snow alone. It was breath taking. The flakes were large and floating straight down. Everything was blanketed in a silent sheet of white. I was in a fantastic winter wonderland nestled far up in the mountains. It was there, in the middle of this beauty, that God broke my heart and I began to cry. My heart was broken for all the women who don’t know they are beautiful. There I was, surrounded by the magnificent beauty of snow falling in the mountains, and it didn’t compare to the beauty of a woman, all women. And I cried because I had never realized it before. Most men don’t realize it and because of it women are lonely. I cried for all the women I’ve had the chance to tell, and not with words, that they are beautiful. Then I cried and repented because I’ve never told a single one.

I told them with words or actions motivated by selfishness but never really told them. Never told them with complete self abondonment. Showed them in a way that was believable and not superficial. Showed them with a pursuit that says you are worthy of pursuing; you are worthy of sacrifice. I choose you not because of the needs you satisfy in me but because you are worthy, because you are beautiful. I ache for the women I’ve known because I know none of them really believe they are beautiful, and they are lonely. But they are beautiful; every one of them is uniquely beautiful and I missed my opportunity. And that breaks my heart because I don’t know how to tell them now. And this broken heart has changed me.

New Year’s eve a friend and I were talking about drinking and driving. He told me he won’t drive anymore if he has even one beer. Which is a great relief because I’ve chewed him out for driving when he was way to drunk. His decision came after realizing that he has probably used up all his second chances and he doesn’t want to ruin someone’s life by driving drunk. He realized what a selfish act it is to get behind the wheel after drinking. He reminded me of the conclusion I’ve come to: that I’ve used up every bit of grace afforded me in that area. When I said that he looked at me and said, “Well God must have a plan for you.” This took me a little by surprise coming from him because he and I aren’t particularly close and I don’t see him as being very spiritual. So I think coming from him it had more of an impact than coming from someone like a pastor - who you would expect to say something like that.

Since that night his words have been rolling over and over in my mind. These words have given me a different perspective on life. Knowing that God spared me during my most reckless years really says to me that he does have a plan for me. And if he has a plan for me then I don’t ever have to worry about what is going to happen to me or about death or dieing. My life is in his hands and I won’t be going anywhere until he is finished with me. And I think he has a lot for me to accomplish yet.

In a way this perspective frees me to live life a little recklessly - to take chances that normally fear or timidity would have held me back from. Chasing life, adventure, danger in order to experience life to its fullest and not with a spirit of timidity. Like I used to.

Through this I think I understand a little better how a man only truly lives when he truly dies: how a person only gains their life by loosing it. It is in this loving life so much that you are willing to risk everything to live it, even death.

Seek life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; desire life like water and yet drink death like wine.

This is the story of a soldier, pinned down by the enemy on the battlefield. To stay is certain death, and he wants to live. His will to live is so great that he stands up to fight his way out. Knowing he may die trying, it is a risk he is willing to take.

I went to my aunt’s this weekend. I came here looking for something - not sure what it was or what I would find. In some ways I was scared. I knew there was something upstairs, trying to get out, but I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that I wouldn’t find it at home, that this is one of the only places in the world where life makes sense, and that I had to come here to find it.

And there it was, alone in the pouring rain, it was me. I found me. I found out who I am… my name.

Like all men, I’m still a boy in what I want in life. I want adventure, a battle to fight, danger, and a damsel to save. But where do I find these things? My adventure is life. The danger is change. The battle is fear. My strength is faith that there is purpose for my life. And the damsel? She’s still in the castle with the dragon outside. This is my life and I choose to live it, not merely exist.

This brings me to who I am and what I came here for. It isn’t just who I am, it is who I believe I am. This may seem redundant but there is often a difference there. I am a warrior. I am strong. I am strong physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am strong physically because I exercise every day. I am strong mentally because I was weak. I am strong spiritually because I’ve been broken.